Areas of Focus/Couples
Couples often arrive having had the same argument so many times they could script it. The content changes; but the underlying relational pattern remains the same. That pattern is where we begin.
ON THE SURFACE · WHAT YOU MIGHT NOTICE
BENEATH · WHAT MAY BE AT WORK
In most struggling couples, each person is responding reasonably to the other’s behavior, and the two reasonable responses together form a trap. One reaches, the other withdraws; the withdrawal makes the reaching more urgent, and the urgency makes the withdrawal more complete. From inside, it feels like the problem is your partner. From outside, it is easier to see that the problem is the pattern, and that the pattern has a history.
Each of you brought a set of expectations about closeness, conflict, and what happens when you need something from another person. Those expectations were formed early, mostly out of awareness, and they are being played out between you now.
Rather than teaching communication techniques alone, I am interested in helping each of you understand what is being stirred up underneath the conflict: the old fears and longings your partner has come to represent, and the protective moves you make without realizing it. When partners can see this in themselves and in each other, something tends to soften. It becomes possible to respond to the person in front of you rather than to the ghost behind them.
I also work with couples recovering from infidelity, where the task is both to understand what happened and to decide, honestly, what is possible now.
I usually meet with both partners together, and sometimes with each individually. Sessions are 50 minutes, in my Burbank office or by telehealth. I am not there to referee or to decide who is right; I am there to help you both see the pattern clearly enough to change it. Some couples come to repair; some come to clarify whether to stay. Both are legitimate reasons to begin.